U Don Know Shi~

Sooooooooo Manitoba is a “have not” province;;

Yet,

I’m walking through downtown Winnipeg the other day & this piece of absolute Blang! is sittin’ in the Impark Lot.

Just u wait 'til you see tha watch tha goes wit' it!**!

(?) R U STOOPID (?)

This is an 8th generation Buick Riviera .!. The Very Pinnacle of Supervisor Ca$ish .!.

Electing 4 speed over sport;; this Central Divisional Manager cut the convertible top for the hardshell;;; THEN went tha extra Mile wit that Time honored oxide fade on the front fenders.

(! BOOOOM *!)

Winter iz almost over (cross fingerz / pray)

But for the sake of ensuring’ yer ready for next year’s cold as shi~ spell; here’s a guid to how to dress.

For Her.

Stay warm & ok looking

The Loook :::

1. Skinny jeans. Body shape is never a consideration.
2. Parka with fur or faux fur trim. Bad for peripheral vision; great for facial warmth.
3. Backpack (preferably janSport or Spotek) to carry you’re feminist poetry and cheap ass beer or wine.
4. Coffee cup for tea; or coffee with hard booze in it (its cold afterall)

Total cost should be under $130 for all items. Unless yer family is rich; but if yer rich you don’t live in Winnipeg.

Wuzzup shi~ headz*!?

It is that special speshull spe…..

What wuz I talkin’ about?

4 20 in WINNIPEG*!*!*!*!*!*

Marz & I did this report to help you better understand the common man’s holidhay

As you can see; it was easily as magical as last yearz event.

Downtown Winnipeg Biz claims they respond to the needs of downtown residents.

.THEN THIS.

THA HORROR

Have you ever walked through downtown Winnipeg?

The streetz are lined with unfortunate souls; prayin’ for schmokes & now their precious butt smokes have been locked away.

HOARDED! by a publicly funded behemoth; sitting in it’z glass office; staring down at the common man who can’t afford smokes.

This.

Is.

a Travesty.

——————
I urge you to take AKSHUN*^! Contact them & tell them we’re not gonna take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hockey is Religion on the Northcoast. The women of the land lust for their chance to court a stallion of the ice so they can breed & make more lil’ gretzky’s.

Once they have spawned, these fine females belong to an uber-class of mother who MUST wear the uniform.

.
.
.

I BRING YOU
THE HOCKEY MOM

It'z a 1 - 2 - 3 of sex appeeel^(!

!_________________THIS LOOK IS A TRIPLE THREAT_________________!

1. The Hair :-: That shi~ needz to be bulldyke short & bleach blonde
2. Jacket :-: Short cut & improbable to close around the motherly bosom; Try Ricki’s if yer in the market.
3. Jeans :-: Keep ‘em light denim & too tight. Take this one for the team.

As with any good look;. there’s room to let it breathe. Spice in some fake tan & your best screaming voice and you’r on yer way to fittin’ in (!)

Takin’ another kick at the Junior’s Review can; my last attempt was stunted by some guy mumblin’ & rolling around on the floor.

This time it was a smoooooth sailin’. Sure, there was an overweight guy b*tchin’ loudly about not getting dates (and startrek plot holes) but at least I had time to try the burger.

THE FAT BOY

E3t it fast enough & yer heart might not stop

What’s on it?

• Burger
• Mayo
• pickles
• onion
• tomahto
• chilli
• Ketchup
• Mustard

In another town you might call this bomb the monster. Coupled with fries & a cola you can set your wallet to be $8 lighter.

Your stomach…

Burstin’ at the seams.
.
.
!

Mine was anyway.

I managed to eat the burger & 89% of the fries. The food slapped my brain with echos of ‘greasy spoon’ and left my body the kind of full that makes you dizzy & tired.

BOTTOM LINE:
1 / 10 on the vegan pussbag charts
8.2 / 10 on the burger scale
9.5 / 10 on the hangover buster meter

A True Winnipeg Classic

I was at the Albert in Winnipeg, hoping to review a show. Due to the nature of the music, I decided to produce this short guide to running a successful frat rock band.

Step 1 – Music

Write some shitty songs that sound like your favorite band crossed with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. There is no genre that slap bass can not be added to.

Then take off your shirts and do every rock move you saw on your favorite Blink 182 DVD.

Also, make sure to mention that you were 'soooo f*cked up...' when you wrote your shitty songs. Hardcore.

Step 2 – Fans

You have to, have to, have to invite ur parents. If you happen upon a frat rock show, you’ll be able to spot the parents by their age, digital camera and general discomfort when the lead singer tells everyone he was fuct on coke when he wrote this one.

Parents. Check!

Step 3 – Image

We’ve already covered the main factors of shirts off and backwards hats, but lets not forget a skin routine.

Make sure to get the grease out before you hit the stage...

Voila*!

Frat Rock at the bar; cuzz keggers and house parties won’t get you to the top.

Holy Shi~*!

It was a late night of binge drinkin’ when I rolled past Giant Pizza and decided to stop by for a bite.

Hmmmm.... thinkz I'll get the Pepperoni

This place is a classic sign of the neighborhood.

• cheap chicken
• cheap pizza
• cheap prices

I opted for the 2 slices of GIANT PIZZA*! for 2.50$.

that'z not very Giant

REVIEW:
It was 4 definite heat lamp cooked. Toppings were well distributed and the crust wasn’t too doughy. After 9 Lucky lagers it is delish. Otherwise, I would recommend trying to get it fresh.

Bottom Line:
You get what you pay for.

I was on Portage Ave, searching for a cold brew and some food.  Someone suggested the Chocolate Shop.

Seeing as tho I hadn’t been there since my ‘on pills for being crazy‘ ex-gf did an embarrassingly heavy Kareoke of Zombie, I figured ‘why not‘.

.

..

…

Brew wise, they kept it simple.  Labbatt Blue or Budweiser.

Food wise, there was only one choice: the ‘Rez burger’.

Check it:

cheapea$t shi~ on tha menu

A Winnipeg classic?

Unfortunately, I do not know.

They were out of bologna and it hadn’t occurred to anyone to roll over to GT & get some more…

Thus, I got chicken fingers in bannock instead.

Dissappointment

The ‘bannock’ was more of a dry flat-bread than the traditional bannock I’ve had in the past. Overall this sandwich was dry and bland. The fries were greasy enough to be fries.

Score: 1.3 / 5

Since our 4-20 Winnipeg review the emails have been comin’ in.  Apparently I missed some choice w3ed-heads in the bleary eyed crowd.

Like this Guy:

Prince Fan? Vampire? Lo$er>?!

Also voted ‘ most likely to shoot up the high school 2009′ we’re probably lucky this fella is on the dope.

The silver chains and loops on this shotgun hiding ensemble both add flair and prove useful when attempting to dock to fat goth chixz.

Bonus points for the matching purple homey-tail elastic.