Winnipeg News | Clues | Reviews
Not rich enough 4 our Lunch reviews section?? I spotted this tidy little pairing while walking past the Safeway in Osbourne Village.
It’s all there; vitamins, minerals & if you’re smart about it;; it won’t even cost you 3 dollars.
Who can argue with that?
Takin’ another kick at the Junior’s Review can; my last attempt was stunted by some guy mumblin’ & rolling around on the floor.
This time it was a smoooooth sailin’. Sure, there was an overweight guy b*tchin’ loudly about not getting dates (and startrek plot holes) but at least I had time to try the burger.
THE FAT BOY
E3t it fast enough & yer heart might not stop
What’s on it?
In another town you might call this bomb the monster. Coupled with fries & a cola you can set your wallet to be $8 lighter.
Your stomach…
Burstin’ at the seams.
.
.
!
Mine was anyway.
I managed to eat the burger & 89% of the fries. The food slapped my brain with echos of ‘greasy spoon’ and left my body the kind of full that makes you dizzy & tired.
BOTTOM LINE:
1 / 10 on the vegan pussbag charts
8.2 / 10 on the burger scale
9.5 / 10 on the hangover buster meter
A True Winnipeg Classic
This one comes str8 from my hood.
It’s ghetto pizza time….
It’z
.
Livin' like itz check day
.
What You get:
Total Cost: ~$.6.50
.
————————————-+
Review:
The pizza was a passable mush of white-flour dough & the least amount of toppings that could still pass for pizza.
Ambiance / Atmosphere:
The tables are dirty and there always seems to be some dude in a starter jacket staring at you. If entertainment is yer bag, i would give this a 4.6 out of 6 on the ghetto skale.
The view of the stained sweatpants hookers is great. If you accidentally (or not so accidentally) make eye-contact you may just have a shot at a $6 blow job.
.
Other Notes:
While taking notes on my cellie a 15 y/o gangster with 2 black-eyes asked to borrow my phone. I declined; he looked like he could run faster than me.
.
Bottom Line:
Ghetto Ghetto Heartburn
1.87 / 7
I dropped by Juniors downtown yesterday to review the Fat boy for our ever popular lunch reviews section.
Unfortunately the burger experience was overshadowed by this guy:
He kept asking ‘Why are you dancing?’ and other shi~ that only Winnipeg’s finest can throw down.
But don’t worry… I’ll try again soon.
I was on Portage Ave, searching for a cold brew and some food. Someone suggested the Chocolate Shop.
Seeing as tho I hadn’t been there since my ‘on pills for being crazy‘ ex-gf did an embarrassingly heavy Kareoke of Zombie, I figured ‘why not‘.
.
..
…
Brew wise, they kept it simple. Labbatt Blue or Budweiser.
Food wise, there was only one choice: the ‘Rez burger’.
Check it:
cheapea$t shi~ on tha menu
A Winnipeg classic?
Unfortunately, I do not know.
They were out of bologna and it hadn’t occurred to anyone to roll over to GT & get some more…
Thus, I got chicken fingers in bannock instead.
Dissappointment 
The ‘bannock’ was more of a dry flat-bread than the traditional bannock I’ve had in the past. Overall this sandwich was dry and bland. The fries were greasy enough to be fries.
Score: 1.3 / 5
The dirty thaw is done and we’re taking our lunch reviews to the streets of Winnipeg.
It’s Hot Dog Cart Season*^!
The street meat hoth cumm
We’re kickin’ off the dog days of downtown with Awesome Dog at Portage and Carlton.
My initial impression was ‘Using awesome in your cart name is setting the bar pretty high buddy’.
Then he asked if I wanted a white or whole wheat bun.
That.
is Awesome^!
Check the fully stocked, no BS condiment rack:
Scoop / Spread / Squirt 2 ur pleasure
So 5$ and 5 minutes later I was presented with this beauty:
Countdown to heartburn begin in 3... 2... 1...
The dog itself was peppery, but not over stated. Also it seemed fairly lean (given the fact that it a hot dog). I have a feeling this cart this cart has set a high standard for the hot dog reviews to come.
Hot Dog Score: 8.7 /10
Overall Lunch Score: 6 / 10 (6 is the max score a hot dog can receive)
Keepin’ with the international vibe; today’s lunch review comes from Kokeb restaurant, located at 330 Ellice ave.
Veg buffet (+1) | Across from Liquor Store (+2)
So, if you missed it in the title; this is an Eythiopian food buffet. Get the “aren’t all Eythiopians starving” jokes out of your system now asshat. If you want to learn about the food Wiki-wiki wha*? the info.
Down to business.
The lunch buffet and a canned drink will cost you 9$ish. The buffet is vegetarian but if you got half an hour to wait you can order off the dinner menu.
Use a fork if ur a pu$$Y; otherwise rip tha bread and scoop the goodness
Sooooo lentils, beets, salad some other yellow and brown stuff; what’s the big deal?
A: The basic flavor and texture are great. You can taste the love.
B: It serves as a great base for the real reason I love this place. HOT SAUCE>!
hot : tangy : flavorful
Check yourself. Just because I say it’s ‘flavorful’ doesn’t mean it’s not hot.
This is some “don’t f*ck around shi~’.
It’s made at Kokeb and perfectly compliments the food. Use the little spoon and put some on the bread before you scoop it. They don’t offer this shi~ up to everybody so don’t be afraid to ask.
The environment is nice & clean and the staff are friendly. There are a few more authentic dining tables and straight up 4 person spots. Its also attached to a bar that, on thursday – saturday nights is bumpin’.
Other things U should know:
Final Score: 8.8/10
Have you ever gone to Taco Time or Taco Bell?
Ever got your food and been all “WTF is ‘di$ garbage!?”
I have.
It makes me sad inside and out.
For years I was left wondering ‘Where can a guy get a good burrito in this town?’
Enter… Casa Burrito. They set up shop on Portage Ave across from the University of Winnipeg ~ a year ago.
So whupadilly wit dis chilli? Check it:
Burrito & a Big window to watch duh freakz
So this huge Bean & Cheese burrito + mangolicious Jarrito drink cost $9.61.
They’ve also got soy burger for team veg; chicken for team poulet & steak for the steak folk. Nachos’s & some other shi~ are also on the menu; but it’s a Burrito place damnit!
Rice / Beans / Tomato / Onion / Salsa / Cheese / Sour Creme'!
Service speed depends on how busy it is; music is dub / hip hop / university friendly; food is pretty damn good. I think they also deliver if you live downtown but (since I prefer lunch out of the office) I’ve never called them on it.
They make the food with varying levels of spice so the whitest of white can still enjoy a Mexican delight.
Score: 8.4 /10
Back on the Lunch Review hue; I gripped my loose change and forced my way into City Place.
Ain’t no party like a food court party*! and since I’m pro-party I opted for the Samosa Hut. It’s middle eastern food made by the same friendly people at Taste of India.
mmmmmm neon Samosa
It curry warms my heart to see Indian food available beside a Subway. AND! Since all the office douchebags are in line at the Subway you can walk right up and order.
For ~10$ I got the Chaka Masala, Veg Korma, rice, salad, naan bread and a cola.
Just 'cuz it looks like a drippy baby diaper dont mean it isn't deeeelish*!
There are other combos; like 2 samosa and something for $5 or 3 dishes for like a dollar more but I decided to keep it relatively light.
For you fowl fiends out there, butter and tandori chicken is available. They also usually have some sort of lamb/pork product.
Bottom Lines: The food is pretty damn good and is cheaper than the other location. Downside would be that you’re in a food court and scab faced mf’s like this dude will probably be lurking at the table beside you.
"mumble mumble mumble muthafuck mumble mumble"
Final Score:
8.2/10 for food
5.7/10 for environment
I decided to indulge my inner grease fiend and head to Pizza Hut downtown; hoping to score a fu#ck do I feel fat lunch buffet experience.
Can you smell the stuffed cru$t excitement?*!?
As I walked up York Avenue i noticed that some clever lil’ prankster had spray painted black over the Pizza Hut logo. Since Winnipeg has a long, rich history of bikes and anarchy I didn’t think much of it.
I figured some dreadlocks with messenger bags had got all Kalle Lasn on the place.
:
:
:
:
not! a 'culture Jam' - pizza sadness
Then I saw the brown paper on the windows; and…
::: THE SIGN :::(
WHY L0rd Je$us WHY~!?
Not to be a band-standing r3@tard; but doesn’t we’z not have enough abandon buildings downtown!?!
Maybe Chicago Phil’s just merked another competitor*?
Nope.
Where the shi~ am I gonna get dessert pizza*!?
SCORE: 0 / 5
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