Winnipeg News | Clues | Reviews
Not rich enough 4 our Lunch reviews section?? I spotted this tidy little pairing while walking past the Safeway in Osbourne Village.
It’s all there; vitamins, minerals & if you’re smart about it;; it won’t even cost you 3 dollars.
Who can argue with that?
I’m going to shift gears from my focus on winter fashion and bring it back to what really matters…
FOOD!*%!!
Let me set the scene.
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..
…
It was a lazy hangover Sunday & the Queen needed to drive to some godforsaken part of St Vital. We stopped at the Red Top Diner ‘cuz breakfast was a precondition for my company.
…
..
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Anyway. The Red Top Diner is a classic Manitoban greasy (greasy, greasssy) spoon. It’s got all the essential pieces.
keep tha grea$e commin'
Wood grain everything… Check.
Crusty, yet friendly, lady staff… Check.
Signage that used to be white… Check.
Now let’z get down 2 bidness… The FOOD:
I opted for the ‘cheese dog’ + a coffee. It’s an e$$ential part of what I call ‘the evacuation’ hangover cure.
mmmmmmMmm... feel them arteries thicken
This delicantsy is pretty straight forward. Grilled hotdog on a bun with ketchup, mustard, relish, onions and (of course) cheese!
I couldn’t tell you how much it cost; since I refused to pay from the start of the trip; but I would estimate it to be around $10.
I wouldn’t call it a ‘mind blowing’ dawg; but it filled a hole in my stomach & got me over that first wave of hangover. If you’re into greasy breakfast, this might just be the place for you.
Bottom Line:
Price: 3.5 / 5
Taste: 3.8 / 5
Grease Factor: 5 / 5
May as$ well, eh?
Everyone knows that it gets really f*ckin’ cold in Winnipeg.
But how do we deal with the subzero temperatures?
Quaint recommendations like ‘hot cocoa & a warm blanket’ are a nice thought; but seldom have the nitro required to push us through those bitter January Monday’s.
Nope.
.
Booze is how we do.
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I Present, Article A:
Winnipeg Transit: 10:47 AM - January 17th 2011
Riding the bus & that sweet molson dry wave all the way into lunch.
I’m feeling warmer already.
Takin’ another kick at the Junior’s Review can; my last attempt was stunted by some guy mumblin’ & rolling around on the floor.
This time it was a smoooooth sailin’. Sure, there was an overweight guy b*tchin’ loudly about not getting dates (and startrek plot holes) but at least I had time to try the burger.
THE FAT BOY
E3t it fast enough & yer heart might not stop
What’s on it?
In another town you might call this bomb the monster. Coupled with fries & a cola you can set your wallet to be $8 lighter.
Your stomach…
Burstin’ at the seams.
.
.
!
Mine was anyway.
I managed to eat the burger & 89% of the fries. The food slapped my brain with echos of ‘greasy spoon’ and left my body the kind of full that makes you dizzy & tired.
BOTTOM LINE:
1 / 10 on the vegan pussbag charts
8.2 / 10 on the burger scale
9.5 / 10 on the hangover buster meter
A True Winnipeg Classic
This one comes str8 from my hood.
It’s ghetto pizza time….
It’z
.
Livin' like itz check day
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What You get:
Total Cost: ~$.6.50
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Review:
The pizza was a passable mush of white-flour dough & the least amount of toppings that could still pass for pizza.
Ambiance / Atmosphere:
The tables are dirty and there always seems to be some dude in a starter jacket staring at you. If entertainment is yer bag, i would give this a 4.6 out of 6 on the ghetto skale.
The view of the stained sweatpants hookers is great. If you accidentally (or not so accidentally) make eye-contact you may just have a shot at a $6 blow job.
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Other Notes:
While taking notes on my cellie a 15 y/o gangster with 2 black-eyes asked to borrow my phone. I declined; he looked like he could run faster than me.
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Bottom Line:
Ghetto Ghetto Heartburn
1.87 / 7
I dropped by Juniors downtown yesterday to review the Fat boy for our ever popular lunch reviews section.
Unfortunately the burger experience was overshadowed by this guy:
He kept asking ‘Why are you dancing?’ and other shi~ that only Winnipeg’s finest can throw down.
But don’t worry… I’ll try again soon.
I was on Portage Ave, searching for a cold brew and some food. Someone suggested the Chocolate Shop.
Seeing as tho I hadn’t been there since my ‘on pills for being crazy‘ ex-gf did an embarrassingly heavy Kareoke of Zombie, I figured ‘why not‘.
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Brew wise, they kept it simple. Labbatt Blue or Budweiser.
Food wise, there was only one choice: the ‘Rez burger’.
Check it:
cheapea$t shi~ on tha menu
A Winnipeg classic?
Unfortunately, I do not know.
They were out of bologna and it hadn’t occurred to anyone to roll over to GT & get some more…
Thus, I got chicken fingers in bannock instead.
Dissappointment 
The ‘bannock’ was more of a dry flat-bread than the traditional bannock I’ve had in the past. Overall this sandwich was dry and bland. The fries were greasy enough to be fries.
Score: 1.3 / 5
The dirty thaw is done and we’re taking our lunch reviews to the streets of Winnipeg.
It’s Hot Dog Cart Season*^!
The street meat hoth cumm
We’re kickin’ off the dog days of downtown with Awesome Dog at Portage and Carlton.
My initial impression was ‘Using awesome in your cart name is setting the bar pretty high buddy’.
Then he asked if I wanted a white or whole wheat bun.
That.
is Awesome^!
Check the fully stocked, no BS condiment rack:
Scoop / Spread / Squirt 2 ur pleasure
So 5$ and 5 minutes later I was presented with this beauty:
Countdown to heartburn begin in 3... 2... 1...
The dog itself was peppery, but not over stated. Also it seemed fairly lean (given the fact that it a hot dog). I have a feeling this cart this cart has set a high standard for the hot dog reviews to come.
Hot Dog Score: 8.7 /10
Overall Lunch Score: 6 / 10 (6 is the max score a hot dog can receive)
As many of y’all noticed we haven’t posted much shi~ lately. I was in Toronto Ontario Canada on business.
My business was drinkin’ booze and business was good.
On April 7th I staggered over to see Drive by Truckers at Lee’s Palace. These guys have been piling shi~ on the buzz wagon for a while, so I went to check it out.
In true ‘country mouse in tha big city’ style I got too drunk and wandered around the Bloor and Young subway station trying to figure out what train went where; (they all look the same damnit!) but eventually made it on ova….
I've added hats for authenti$ity
Show’s in the big city start early. I got there at 10:30 and the Truckers were already into their set. Another thing that grinded both my ass & my wallet was the price: $15 on the internet / $35 at the door -> A true Winnipeg WTF*^!
Actual Show Review
At their best they sounding like Neil Young; at their worst they reminded me of Phish; at their own sounded like pure indie-alt-country. The place was packed, mostly with sweaty dudes and I would say everyone was down with the cause.
T dot Oh dot wants to be a cowboy… as long as he wears distressed designer jeans.
They did not play the only song I know (while I was there anyway) so I give it to you now:
Bottom Line: 7/10 - I was completely underwhelmed; kinda wanted my $35 back.
Keepin’ with the international vibe; today’s lunch review comes from Kokeb restaurant, located at 330 Ellice ave.
Veg buffet (+1) | Across from Liquor Store (+2)
So, if you missed it in the title; this is an Eythiopian food buffet. Get the “aren’t all Eythiopians starving” jokes out of your system now asshat. If you want to learn about the food Wiki-wiki wha*? the info.
Down to business.
The lunch buffet and a canned drink will cost you 9$ish. The buffet is vegetarian but if you got half an hour to wait you can order off the dinner menu.
Use a fork if ur a pu$$Y; otherwise rip tha bread and scoop the goodness
Sooooo lentils, beets, salad some other yellow and brown stuff; what’s the big deal?
A: The basic flavor and texture are great. You can taste the love.
B: It serves as a great base for the real reason I love this place. HOT SAUCE>!
hot : tangy : flavorful
Check yourself. Just because I say it’s ‘flavorful’ doesn’t mean it’s not hot.
This is some “don’t f*ck around shi~’.
It’s made at Kokeb and perfectly compliments the food. Use the little spoon and put some on the bread before you scoop it. They don’t offer this shi~ up to everybody so don’t be afraid to ask.
The environment is nice & clean and the staff are friendly. There are a few more authentic dining tables and straight up 4 person spots. Its also attached to a bar that, on thursday – saturday nights is bumpin’.
Other things U should know:
Final Score: 8.8/10
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