U Don Know Shi~

I was at the Albert in Winnipeg, hoping to review a show. Due to the nature of the music, I decided to produce this short guide to running a successful frat rock band.

Step 1 – Music

Write some shitty songs that sound like your favorite band crossed with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. There is no genre that slap bass can not be added to.

Then take off your shirts and do every rock move you saw on your favorite Blink 182 DVD.

Also, make sure to mention that you were 'soooo f*cked up...' when you wrote your shitty songs. Hardcore.

Step 2 – Fans

You have to, have to, have to invite ur parents. If you happen upon a frat rock show, you’ll be able to spot the parents by their age, digital camera and general discomfort when the lead singer tells everyone he was fuct on coke when he wrote this one.

Parents. Check!

Step 3 – Image

We’ve already covered the main factors of shirts off and backwards hats, but lets not forget a skin routine.

Make sure to get the grease out before you hit the stage...

Voila*!

Frat Rock at the bar; cuzz keggers and house parties won’t get you to the top.

Question:

What’s cheaper: Spray Paint or Posters?

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Answer:

Spray Paint:

Now an Annual Event

Who’s NOT going?

Last week a breezed into a party at the Royal Albert.

On the stage: Victoria’s Metal Men : : : : : Archon Legion.

Beckoning lord sat@n with sweep picking

When I went to write this post I got to thinking: “What does Archon Legion mean?”

Well… I found this description, which (if ur too lazy to clik on the link) was basically::

In pre-4th edition versions of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, archons are a type of lawful good celestial

But hey, metal is often pretty nerdy.

So anyway…

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They made me wish I lived in the era of ripped jeans, maiden hair and parking lot metal.  Nothing says party like chicks in 80s jeans and hairspray afterall.

Word on the street is that they had got a better drummer and a 3rd guitar player since their last visit to Winnipeg & thus, didn’t suck anymore

Bottom Line: If 80’s riffage and man wails is your thing, please go check ‘em out.  they’re on tour with Winnipeg’s maiden power ghost -> Evil Survives <- for another week.

As many of y’all noticed we haven’t posted much shi~ lately. I was in Toronto Ontario Canada on business.

My business was drinkin’ booze and business was good.

On April 7th I staggered over to see Drive by Truckers at Lee’s Palace. These guys have been piling shi~ on the buzz wagon for a while, so I went to check it out.

In true ‘country mouse in tha big city’ style I got too drunk and wandered around the Bloor and Young subway station trying to figure out what train went where; (they all look the same damnit!) but eventually made it on ova….

I've added hats for authenti$ity

Show’s in the big city start early.  I got there at 10:30 and the Truckers were already into their set.  Another thing that grinded both my ass & my wallet was the price: $15 on the internet / $35 at the door -> A true Winnipeg WTF*^!

Actual Show Review

At their best they sounding like Neil Young; at their worst they reminded me of Phish; at their own sounded like pure indie-alt-country.  The place was packed, mostly with sweaty dudes and I would say everyone was down with the cause.

T dot Oh dot wants to be a cowboy… as long as he wears distressed designer jeans.

They did not play the only song I know (while I was there anyway) so I give it to you now:

Bottom Line: 7/10 - I was completely underwhelmed; kinda wanted my $35 back.

Well, now that I’ve officially entered the blogosphere, maybe now CNN will start taking me seriously.

My first report from the mean streets of winnipeg brings be to the classic Times Change(d) – high and Lonesome Club.

I found the clientele that I expected. There was a nice mix of old young, hip and grizzly prospectors all around.  As you can see, plaid was in full effect that night.

The first three people on earth to install Willie Nelson ringtones on to their iPhones.

If Elmer Fudd and Lady Gaga had a baby, this is the show it would’ve gone to after they eventually banished it to Winnipeg.

Performing that night were Ultra Mega and Andrew Neville and the Poor Choices.

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CAREFUL!!! THE VIDEO’S LOUD CUZ I’M A RANK AMATEUR

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As far as Ultra Mega goes, they feature garage rock stylings and wu-tang covers that you can trick militant anti-hip-hoppers into liking. It’s the perfect music to put on a mixtape for that chick in your first year psych course that always wears t-shirts featuring cartoon characters from the 80’s. It tells her that the only thing you love more than hip hop, is local indy rock and coffee shop style irony.

Very tasty tunes.

And Andrew Neville and the Poor Choices  were great too. Not being a country fan myself, I still like their music because the lyrics are simply and funny, and the can really get a crowd going. Its excellent background music for drinking beers in the backyard when you should be at work.

The venue again, wasn’t bad overall, but the bar that resembled a slighty more stocked than the average T-cones basement rumpus room and that fact that there was more random shit on the walls then the inside of a monkey cage was slightly off-putting. Granted a lot of it was show posters and stuff like that but some corners looked like that A&E show hoarders.

Summary::: weird but workable venue – a very eclectic crowd of flannel wearing call centre workers and alcoholic retail managers, and two very capable bands.

AAAAAAAHhhh, now that I am a blogger I do feel more important.

It feels good.

Like a slurpy on a hot day; or narcissism.

Back in January, I was feeling cold and weak.

It was due to malnourishment; I needed more !METAL! in my diet.

A visit to Winnipeg’s premiere metal spot, the Zoo, was in order.

Although the Zoo is often home to sh@t nu-metal and Power 97 style sh!t rock; it was all about death and doom on this night.

Arctic Circle

Nordic screams and bla$ts to the baron future*!

Self described as “bush metal”; Arctic Circle zig zagged between ambient feedback and whipping blasts. The sound guy left a little to be desired from the speakers, but the band raged hhhhhhhhhhhard*!

Score: 8.1 / 10

At this point I was invited up to a party on the 3rd floor of the hotel (always classy) & missed the Saskatchewan band that was up next. From what I could hear through the shaking walls, it was metal.

A couple 50’s later I was back in the ‘beverage room’ 4 Psychotic Gardening.

Don’t let the name fool you.

There is no granny pants or tulips. Just My Dying Bride-esque heaviness.

Screams; check.

Growls; check.

Double kick + guitars; check.

PLUS: a little synth for good measure.

= F*ckin’ Heavy.

I weed your garden with riffz from the dark lord*^!

The goth chix were writhing and the bangers were bangin’. The usual drunks were still usual and drunk; all had gone to plan.

Score: 8/10*

*I wanted to give an 8.5 but the singers “fat Vince Neil” bandana could not be overlooked.

It’s that time of year again: Support your local college radio*! CKUW needs your help ($$$$$$) to keep the “uh’s” and indie music on the airwaves.

The shi~ kicked off last night at the Platform Gallery on Aurther street with Ultra Mega, J.R. Hill and some killer free hummus.

KICK OFF PARTY*#!

But the fun doesn’t stop there; Check it:

Vampires . Into the Music . Feb 5, 5 pm; free

• Feb 6, 10 pm – Not Animals . Lo Pub . w/ W.E., Trunfo do Gato; Admission $7
• Feb 7, 8 pm - The Crooked Brothers . Yellow Dog . Admission $8
• Feb 8, 8 pm CKUW Home Movies . Rudolf Rocker . Suggested donation $5
• Feb 9, 8 pm The Sextranauts . War on Music . Free admission
• quadraFUN . Lo Pub . Feb 10, 10 pm – w/ full quadrafunk roster: gnat, kasm, the seed organization & red worm; Admission $7
• Feb 11, 7:30 pm - Cassette Histories: An evening of Winnipeg Tapes . Mondragon . Free
• Feb 12, 10 pm – The Fundrive is Closed :: Lo Pub . w/ The Paperbacks, The Playing Cards, The Middle Names; Admission $7

So go blow ur student loan$ and help out good radio.

I wasn’t going to review this show; but it’s been a slow week and I already had the pic$.

My main mayne Gregwar was in from T.O. and we were roaming town looking for something to do. We ended up at the Pyramid Caberet for cheap shots and ‘rock and roll’.

First up was Jicah; who’s songs reminded me of (long forgotten) pop rockers Space Hog
. Their acoustic driven songs made me think of holding hands with a hippie chick and running through a wheat field. Take that for what you will…

Runnin' just as fast as we can, can, can can

Score
6 / 10 from this guy —> probably 7.5 / 10 from a guy who likes this shi

Royal Canoe was up next and; in the name of Winnipeg music scene incest; had half the members of Jicah.

I’m listening to the myspace right now; trying to piece together what I thought of their sound.

This was the point where Gregwar dropped by the shots office. He couldn’t believe how cheap booze is in Winnipeg thus… no picture of the band.

This kid loved them so much he stared at his I-phomo for most of their set:

Score:
8 for musicianship
4 for originality

Now for the main event: The Waking Eyes*!

Ok. You play keyboards, I stay on bass. Mikey you're on shaker.

Sooooo the bass player & drummer from Jicah were still on the stage and the other fella$ switched instruments. Did they always have a keyboard?

At this point I was too Jagerbombed to give an accurate rating. I do remember wanting to fist f#ck the guy that told me this was a rock show. Check out their myspace and make your own call.

These hipsters kinda liked it:

I wi$h we had more blow...

Highlites
- Seeing Gregwar
- Getting Drizzzunk

Peanuts & Corn Records; Winnipeg rap veterans; celebrated 15 years “in the game” on Monday night (dec 28 2k9) at the Lo Pub.

It was apparent when we got there that shi~ was gonna get major; This chick was knitting:

Bloww~! Bloww>! Purled Ladder stitchez Bitchez

Yarn & ironic glasses aside; this show was brought to us by Mass Appeal (DJ’s Kutdown and Kinetic) as part of their Monday night Rap throwdown. If you like rap; these guys know it. Drop by on a Monday night.

Show opened up with Yy (pronounced Y-eye) around 11 (because rap shows always start late).

Winnipeg's slap-choppuh of tha syllables

Yy busted out some old songs and dropped a couple new ones off his upcoming P & C release. Look for one with “Pain for punishment” as the chorus.

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Schmoke Break
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Pip Skid was up next and brought the energy up with him. Skizzy was lookin’ all respon$ible with a full head of hair and smile on his face.

Slam it don't sip... ---> Preach on Poppa Pip*!

His set rolled heavy with a short cover of ‘Beth’ by KISS; a Wynrush appearance and $ome real Marathon of Dope shi~.

# People with glasses may or may not have approved #

Up next; Farm Fresh. The Peanuts and Corn originators.

0riginal Prairie Emcee's Mc'in

They brought the noise; all the old faves; squared off and bassed out. The crowd thinned a little, but the core remained on hand to remember with their ears.

Overall Score: 8.2 / 10 – Rap on brah

Some say that Winnipeg is where old music comes to die.

Don’t believe it.

The greatest of nu-metal lives on in the hearts of fans around the city. Check out this abs0lute devotion I saw on the str33tz today:

a.d.i.d.a.s. bitchezzz winnipeg k0rn~> NAySHUNN!

Thank you young graffito tagger. I had forgot that shi~ exi$ted.

Strap on ur kiltz; tie you dredz up; enjoy this: